News reports are covering the sentencing of Ariel Castro, a deviant who abducted and held three young girls captive for more than a decade. He states, "My addiction to pornography and my sexual problem has really taken a toll on my mind." Indeed, it would seem. A psychiatrist proclaims, "...that doesn't mean they will ever be free of the damage that was done." I am left wondering, will I ever be free? Will I be free of the darkness, the sadness, the tears? Will the day come when the words and actions of others does not take such a toll on me?
Sis. Christy M taught in Relief Society this past week and, she also being a convert to the church, expressed the sentiment that she couldn't imagine her life without the church. Others in the class, women born into Mormon families, also couldn't imagine life without the church. I was unique within the group, although it wasn't something I could talk about. I could imagine life. Modern technology has given me a portal, a glimpse into where my life would be had there not been changes. Ironically, just in the days prior to this lesson and conversation, I had seen a familiar name, taken a link and another link, and read and learned...paused and offered a prayer of thanks. I am so grateful for the path provided for me to go another direction.
I am grateful for Christy's lesson and queries, for helping me to recognize that I was not only peering into the lives of others, I was given a glimpse of my life as it would be without the church, without the gospel, without the people who comprise my world as I know it now today. I am grateful for the life I have been given, even the trials and tribulations. I have grown and learned and strived to become better and stronger and more compassionate and more understanding.
During a recent conversation, I shared memories of an especially harsh physical assault on me as a child...I say child because now I know that I was a child. At the time, I didn't realize I was a child. Either way, the physical aspects were the very least of the injuries. I know that now, too. It is hard to understand why any of that memory came up during our conversation. It is hard to accept that sharing that memory will cause something to change in the way I'm seen, the way I'm judged. Perhaps that is why it is so very hard to even consider sharing things from my earlier life. Whether intentional or not, judgments are made. It breaks my heart to know as a result of that conversation nothing I ever say about that person would ever be seen in a good light. A judgment has been formed and it will color and detract from any good ever portrayed. For that I am sorry. There were so many strengths and good aspects.
One of my sisters calls me "sissy momma" and she relates that I had been the stable and loving influence in her life as a child. I am left wondering now, how much stability a mere child could have offered. I am only a few years older than she yet somehow she saw me as that stable influence. As for the loving influence, I would hope and pray each of my brothers and sisters would know that my love for them has always been profound.
Stockholm syndrome can be seen as a form of traumatic bonding, which does not necessarily require a hostage scenario, but which describes “strong emotional ties that develop between two persons where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.Stockholm Syndrome...it has a name. It was given a name after events of a 1973 hostage situation. It is a gift. This gift was bestowed on me by a kind and loving Heavenly Father long before 1973. I am not alone. Many other people with difficult life experiences as children were also blessed with this gift. That is what made life possible. That is what made it possible to be a stable influence or a loving influence to others. The ability to endure, to understand, to have compassion allows a person to find peace, to let go of the pain and bitterness. To seek and find joy.
Where would I be? I've had a glimpse into the possibilities. I am not sure where I'd be physically, mentally or emotionally, but I am so very grateful I am not there, wherever that may be. I am grateful for the Atonement and for the tender mercies bestowed upon me to allow me to have love and compassion instead of pain, resentment, and bitterness. I am grateful to celebrate the day, I am grateful for the love of a Heavenly Father and the comfort found in knowing His love.
The day is bright, although overcast. The sun does shine.
