Adversity

A quote caught my eye recently, again. I have seen and heard this little message time and again but for some reason it touched my heart in a special way recently.

"It is your reaction to adversity, not the adversity itself, that determines how your life's story will develop." ~Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Maybe it is because my heart has been softened for victims of the heartless shootings at a movie theater in Colorado. So much pain and hurt. So much grief. They probably won't ever have answers to their questions, they'll never learn why. They must pick up their shattered lives and move on beyond this heartache though. It is what's needed. It is what's expected.

Somehow, we...as a nation, as a society, expect others to have their time for pain and grief but then move on, not remain a victim. Rise above whatever challenge has been faced. Overcome and achieve.

Perhaps that is how I feel, too. Perhaps that is how I have been able to move on, go beyond adversity. Let go of the pain and grief.

Many, many times I have thought about writing of my life experiences. Many, many times I've tabled the notion. Too many people, people who don't know me well, people who know me very well, and people who are nearest and dearest to me would have a tough time with some of the things I would write. If I were writing a life story. At least one of my children has asked me to do that on several occasions. He feels separated, isolated somehow from my life...beyond the days of being his mom. He has inquired about childhood, "I know nothing about your life as a child."

Is it enough to simply say, "Things were tough"?

I don't know.

One thing I do know, my reaction to adversity has brought forth a world of change in my life, in living. I have learned to express gratitude and appreciation more freely, to people and especially to my Heavenly Father. I have learned to carry a prayer in my heart, at all times, in all places. To pray for help and guidance, to pray in thanks and joy. I have learned over the years - not an easy one - that I am special, I have purpose and being, that I am also "not so special" ...that I am so very much like so many others.

I am happy today with the person I am. I love my life. I love my husband and children. My grandchildren mean the world to me. They each hold a precious piece of my life and heart. Adversity has played an integral part of the person I have become. I am me. Complete...but not perfect.

Reflecting

The last little bit has been so difficult with one medical situation after another coming up. With all Mike went through last year with illnesses and surgeries we would have hoped we were done with medical woes for a while. That isn't how it has worked out though and we are now months into one challenge after another. The dental issues at the start of the year were easy enough, although terribly expensive, to deal with. The inconvenience of numerous appointments, still not completed, was the hardest part of those particular problems.

My arm has been another story. I fell on the icy stairs and off the porch on February 15th, breaking both the ulna and radius just above the wrist. The pins and vise, my towel rack, were affixed to my arm and hand on February 22nd. I had to go into the hospital and under anesthesia to have my arm set. What a change this has been for all of us!

I have been in pain, serious pain, almost constantly since the moment my arm broke...and it has not eased even with the pain med the doctor has prescribed. The med (hydrocodone) dulls the pain somewhat for short lengths of time but the pain never goes away entirely. Since the 14th of this month, I have battled infections around the pins and that increases the pain in those areas. The pins in my arm were the first to be infected and they seem to have responded to the antibiotics. There hasn't been drainage in that area for several days. The pins in my hand are now under attack, the pain in that area right now is so intense I can hardly stand it! I'll be going to pick-up antibiotics again tomorrow in Show Low.

Mike and I traveled to the Valley a couple times this year so he could visit his cardiologist and a vascular surgeon at the Heart Institute. On the 16th of this month Mike went into Arizona Heart Hospital early in the morning to have two aneurisms in his pelvic area repaired. The procedure went very smoothly and he was released from the hospital the following day. Although sore for several days, he had a small incision at each side of his groin, Mike has recuperated marvelously. We stayed in the Valley on another day after he was released from the hospital then he returned to work the second day!

Yesterday when we picked up mail there was a summary from our insurance carrier. It was three pages long, for just February. The summary included x-rays, ER visits (plural, along with my arm Mike visited the ER because he was sick and in pain), doctor visits, orthopedic surgeon visits, hospital surgery, anesthesiologist services, and other services. I am so grateful, so very grateful, for our insurance coverage! Our own out-of-pocket expenses have been substantial but it could have been so much worse if it weren't for our insurance coverage. I am grateful for his employment and for the insurance he has through his employment.

I am grateful for the mysteries of life that we don't see or understand at the time. The illnesses and surgeries last year brought forth blessings we didn't realize at the time.

I am also tremendously grateful that Mike quit drinking last year when he became sick in January. As difficult as things have been, I know they could have been so much worse if it weren't for him quitting. I am grateful to him for sticking with it, for leaving that behind. I love him so much and I know that he is so much better off without the beer, even though he enjoyed beer and enjoyed the socialization associated with having a few beers at the bar.

Furthermore, I am tremendously grateful that these two aneurisms were identified during the numerous scans done on Mike last year. These type of medical conditions typically are not identified until a person is being autopsied. We were blessed with them being identified so they could be repaired. We have indeed been blessed.

Cold & Windy

It is cold and windy once again this morning. It reminds me that I neglected to celebrate the delightfully warm and pleasant days we've had over the past week or two. A few days ago, even as the sun was setting, the air was so fresh and clear and warm...inviting me to sit on the front stairs and bask in the beauty of the day and evening.

General Conference aired over the weekend. I am so very grateful to have the words and images of church leaders broadcast over the airwaves although someday I would love to be in attendance during a session of conference. That would be one of those bucket list items. :)

The Spirit touched my heart many times during conference. My thoughts drifted to Monika Hall Lowery and her family with their recent tragedy and remarkably not so much on my own loss so long ago as I listened to words of comfort for grieving families. I know that I am finally growing spiritually in acknowledging that others filled my thoughts, my own grief has been so great for so long. My thoughts also turned to the Udall family, especially during Saturday's session, as they gathered to celebrate the life and grieve the passing of their daughter, Camie. So many friends and family carry burdens these days and I pray for words and actions to bring comfort in some small way.

The girls watched part of conference with me. We chose listen words and theirs worked out much better than mine, at least for treats. Mia chose prayer, TJei chose brothers and sisters, and I chose testimony. Their words were said much more frequently. The girls were delighted to see our friend and neighbor, Elder Spencer Wilhelm (Maria's brother) singing in the MTC choir during Saturday's session. I was pretty excited to see him there, too. It was exciting to see Elder David Archuleta (of American Idol fame) in the MTC choir, also. I am always filled with the Spirit when thinking of the missionaries and their love of the Savior and willingness to serve.

I am looking forward to learning more about Sis. Linda Burton's leadership as the new president of the General Relief Society. Sis. Beck has accomplished so much in highlighting the accomplishments and legacy of Relief Society. Daughters in My Kingdom will be embraced by many as we move forward in studying and learning.

John worked up here in SJ for a few days and he was able to visit with Mike at work since he too was working day shift over the weekend. John stopped by the house to say hi after work one day.

All in all it has been a wonderful weekend...I'll just overlook the blustery weather today and not think too much about a dentist visit coming up in less than an hour. :)

Struggling

These past few weeks have been so difficult for me. It is so hard to keep thoughts straight or complete even basic tasks when in constant pain. My heart is certainly softened for those living with dibilitating conditions on a regular basis. I've always been of the opinion that I have a very high pain tolerance level but this injury has gotten the best of me. Especially my hand, where the pins are attached into the bone of my hand. It hurts so very much and the pain doesn't ease up at any time during the day or night.

On a brighter note, a few days ago while shopping in Show Low, a lady stopped me and pointed out her own arm. She had the very same procedure done on her arm and hand. The pins had been removed one week earlier and she had made great progress with moving her wrist and gripping her hand. She still has a way to go but seeing the functionality she had at that point gave me hope for my own recovery.

Still looking at the bright side in all of this...I can scratch my arm when it itches. I'm glad my arm isn't in a cast, that would really have been the pits.

I Am His Daughter

Bandaging Removed

The bandaging came off on my arm yesterday and it is a pathetic sight. :( I snapped this picture in the truck when Mike and I were on our way back to SJ after the orthopaedic surgeon visit.

This device will remain on my arm another 6-8 weeks, at least. My arm is in such a painful distorted position but it is necessary for the radial bone alignment. The rods are going through the long bones of my hand...which hadn't been injured :( in order to obtain the needed positioning. The ulna bone on other side of my arm is secure and aligned well without needing pins, etc. It is still quite swollen and painful over there, too. This weird positioning has to be playing into the pain a bit. Even without an injury my right arm/wrist hurts if I try to hold it in this awkward position.

This is what the underside of my arm looks like today. Yucky.

Mike is absolutely a champ through all of this. He worked today and is now in the kitchen making dinner. I went to the kitchen with him, he sent me off out of his way. I love him so very much and it is moments like this when I am reminded how very special he is, and why.

Last night was especially difficult. I slept very little. The pain was intense. Throughout the night I took 6 pain pills - what I'd normally use in a 24 hour period. Still, comfort eluded me and pain remained a constant companion. Having the bandaging removed, the support of that wrapping, may have played into the increased pain last night. Although today hasn't been much better I am hopeful tonight will bring the needed rest and comfort.

Difficult Days

After breaking my arm on 2/15 I had surgery to set the bones and secure them with rods on Wednesday 2/22. It has now been four days since having this latest procedure done and the pain has been, at times, unbearable.

I have not been able to use my hand or any portion of my arm. I have managed to identify a couple of propped positions where my limb is comfortable for short periods of time. Nothing is comfy for more than a couple minutes. I am indulging in pain medicine far too often for my own peace of mind. I've tried alternating with acetaminophen or ibuprofen and the far more potent oxycodone prescription pain reliever without success. The non-prescription meds don't phase the pain in the slightest. It is a catch 22 with not wanting to rely on these meds yet needing them to get through the day or night.

It is my prayer that these hardships will quickly become faded memories and my arm will regain strength and purpose without the pain.

Always a Smile

Daisies have a way of bringing a smile to my face no matter how difficult the situation. My injured arm aches but my heart smiles from the love and concern sent in the lovely petals of favored flowers.

Not Been A Good Day

This has not been a good day. As I went out the door and started on the steps to take TJei to school, my foot went out from under me on the very first step. The combination of shoes with poor traction and a pretty good coating of ice were both working against me.

I landed at the edge of the top step and bounced down another step or two before rolling off the stairs onto the ground below at the side of the steps. My bottom has some massive deep purple bruising but I am so grateful that I didn't break or seriously injure either of my hips.

When I rolled off the steps, I landed with my left arm under my body. I knew when my arm hit the ground it was broken, I could feel it and hear it as the bones broke. I was stunned for a few seconds, I couldn't move or even think. The pain was excruciating.

TJei had seen me fall and she was standing nearby calling out to me in a frightened, panicked voice. I sent her to get her mom and when they returned, I assured her grandpa would be here soon to take care of grandma and she needed to go on to school. Jodie called Mike and she helped me get to my feet.

After Mike arrived, we went to the hospital so I cpi;d be checked out. Oh what a painful ride that was!

On the bottom, outside of my arm is a small pucture wound where the bone pierced through and the bloody area on the inside of my arm is the same thing, where the bone puctured the skin. It hurts like the dickens!